Roar Katie xo

Something I’ve been hearing a lot of lately. This is right. It isn’t fair. We barely deserve life. Actually we don’t at all. Yet here we sit. Breathing each breath every minute. Sure sometimes bad stuff happens. Don’t we wish we could fast forward over them. But we can’t. Those moments teach us the best lessons. Take it from someone who hasn’t had the best last five years.

Life truly is a gift. You might not have the dream job, boy or whatever. You might not be the smartest or the prettiest. But your an important puzzle piece of these world that connects each and everyone of us humans.

We need to love and lose. We need to dance and we need to cry. But we must never lose sight of why we should choose to live each moment as a gift.

Why is it a gift? Because we never asked for it. We don’t deserve it? It’s simply beautiful.

Your life is the best story yet. It’s just not finished.

Isn’t it crazy, just everything. I work everyday and my fingers to the bone at high school. Then in year twelve, when I did not get accepted as school captain. I gave up. High school felt like it mattered. Sure it gave me fond memories. But when I sat at graduation as the hundredth person said they would miss me. When they barely spoke to me at all the past four years. All I could think was as the speaker kept repeating we did it. My mind kept saying. Did what? Finish? School and leaving such a difficult milestone behind.

As I took my steps out four/five years ago. I found it easy to regurgitate the information my teachers gave me. To stick to their formats and sit their tests. What did it really prepare me for?

Sure I went to UNI straight out if school. I got into film after scoring top of my class of four students for film. I guess being the best in a smaller pond was easier. I didn’t enjoy waking up and trying to fulfil a life someone thought was best for me. What they thought would be good for me. I never had any plans of my own. I just got told what I was good at in high school and told where to go.

A lot of people believed I was destined for educational greatness. Sure I have an above average IQ sometimes. I am incredibly wise for my age at times. But I’m all so only twenty. All I want to do right now is teach. Why? Because I love to inspire thinking. I love to teach children to ask questions. I love to unconditionally love these children along with their parents to achieve greatness.

Maybe someday I will achieve greatness and get my name in the history books. Like my teachers planned. But right now. I just choose to accept my role as educator. Because I love to make each child feel seen. After all, I was the child who wasn’t always seen. Guess my role as I accept is a wall flower. I like being average.

So I feel lately that I’ve been leading a hectic life. I swear I have a talent for being a wall flower. I mean not many people could probably walk into a room and feel like you are are in a fish tank, being one of the fish isolated. Two different worlds that barely interact unless its feeding time. Is it weird to like that? Have I grown to comfortable just being mediocre?

I will sometimes mumble answer under my breath and hear someone take them as there own. I actually don’t mind this. At least that person heard what I said and took it on.

I gave up on birthdays. It only marks another year. I’m glad for each day I get here. Why fuss with hours of mostly awkward gathering? Why not just be happy with a sleep in.

I’m defiantly ok being just some space filler.

I have literally became that friend. You know the friend that they never have time to hang out with me. Or that they feel bad because I’m not in a relationship. Gets hectic. All I want I to at least have one girly day. But that way too much to ask for. It just sucks being that friend. But that’s just it. I’m at that age when it sucks. But at the same time I enjoy it. What other time in my life will I be able to spend so much time by myself. It’s all so lucky I have my brother.

Just would be nice to have someone invite me out every so often. Because I’m getting over trying to make plans. I feel like I’m just annoying everyone.

I bet we all go through a faze. Oh but we aren’t good enough. We as anyone would see, would be that slightly better person. But we must remember, yes it good to be humble. Yes it is good to strive to that persons talents. But don’t forget what we bring to the table. I need to remember, yes I can’t quite do what they do. But I can be me. I have my talent and I do It in my own way. Like snow flakes and our finger prints are all different. Our styles are different. Yes there may be one way of doing that skill. But it’s how we use that skill. Are we using that skill in a way that can grow us? To help others? To worship Jesus? To reach others? To tell our story, when words can’t? Well, are we? Well there is a lot of questions. I’ll give you some time to process that.

If we had two singer the exact same. Perfect pitch, same sound, same key. Sure it awesome, wow they are in-sync. But then what makes them special? What gives them that unique twist? If we had one person sing in a way for folk music. Then one for rock. It gets more exciting?

My point, grow in your uniqueness. Turn those so called weaknesses into a strength. Then hand it to Jesus and use it in a way that reaches people the best. It doesn’t have to be singing. It could be just being funny, just being that person that is always there. Talents aren’t just physical things.

Lately being on the kids creative team. I became very critical of my voice. I have never had a strong voice. I have never been trained. I can’t sound perfect. But my talent for smiling at kids and jumping into things head first to tell them about Jesus. Gets me out of fear. The things I thought were never possible.

Bit of a rock chick vibe going on today. Today I was extremely lucky at work. We only had 6 kids. Can you believe it? Anyways the children I look after are 2-3. When I walked into work, I get greeted in only a way that touches my heart so much. I had so many beautiful moments. As one of the boys gets excited when I step into the room. I picked him up. Like we shared a special joke that remained our secret. He whispered a song I taught him a month ago. He all so said he missed me. I had taken a special day off the day before to see family I have not seen since I was thirteen. I couldn’t help but smile ear to ear.

My children are really into dinosaurs (who isn’t :D)and after going to the museum and seeing the fossil of the dinosaurs feet. (Spoiler: of course it’s always a replica. They never actually use the real fossil. Long story) us educators were thinking of what to do today. I suggested taping a massive piece of paper to the floor and paint their feet and run across it. For the record I jumped right into it. Here is a side hint, it’s slippery.

Your probably wondering why I’m talking about this. Not only am I super blessed with this job. But these kids that I get to spend time with each week. As much as I teach them. They are helping me rebuild myself. As we love each other, even when Miss Katie isn’t happy. They will always leave a hand print on my life.

Some people close question me if its hard to work with children. Is It gross? Stressful? Don’t I get upset with maybe in the future maybe not having my own kids. Sure, if I don’t say that I would be lying. But like any parent would know. You just can’t get their little fingerprints off your heart easily.

Lately I have been feeling stupid. No I don’t want a million inboxes saying either. Yeah you are stupid ,the super supportive messages or even the occasional comedy wannabe who says I should see Dr Phil. I feel sometimes there is this expectation on my life. My name is Katie and I can’t read analog clocks, my math skills suck and as bad as my two year olds at work. I can’t tell you what note I’m singing or playing most times. Yet even when people find out I can’t read analog clocks, they always try and explain it. My mind just goes cloudy. Like I’m in a distant planet.

But ask me questions on the topics of classic books, classic rock songs, anything to do with flora and fauna in Brisbane, what happens in spider mans original comics or even quotes from movies, tv shows, musicals or any stage performance. But some reason when someone asks me. I end up saying something stupid.

I use to be witty and smart. But somewhere I lost myself. After getting really sick with… We shall call it the great depressive sickness. Haha. I have slowly lost my mind. Each night, I pray for it back. I just want someone to think I’m not insane. That I’m just the bees knees. That someone would love on me like Jesus does. For all my weirdness.

Note:this was written yesterday in my journal. I wasn’t aware that people actually read these. Anyhow enjoy the entertainment of my life.

After yesterday’s post which I only posted seconds before this. I forgot to explain. I need to start a journal. Why not just post it on my tumbler. For my only few followers who possibly never come on to read. Maybe you shall learn something from my stories. Perhaps benefit some other person.

Now that I have explained, today I hung out with the person closest to me. My younger brother Glenn. We just seen a child movie and hung out. He is the only one I haven’t really distanced myself with. I’m trying to re connect with my friends. But it’s hard. Almost like they don’t want to. Or that I annoy them. Except Amy. Who I have been spending the last few weeks with. She has helped me piece back together my personality together again. Of course Jesus played a big role. Giving me my new job.

Great news my nightmares have stopped and I am medicine free as of yesterday. I even stepped out and sung in kids creative band and really felt my spirit fully come alive again with a passion. Of course I sound a bit like a mental case. But who wouldn’t be after everything I have faced. I have even started to feel human again and started talking and being myself again. Of course I’m always going to be that bit distant. All so could possibly be that it depressed. But just pull me up or do what amy does and stop and listen. She doesn’t complain. Even when she is looking after her family. She always asks how I am doing. When really I should ask how she is. I have been blessed. Jesus is defiantly re building me. I was a strong person he needed to break me. He needed to see how far my trust would go. Now he has taught me a lessons that not many people know.

My faith is always now and forever with Christ.

To end on a personal note, I may or may not have a new crush ;) just teasing.

I know bit of a tough song. A bit harsh even.

Last Halloween I went to a costume party dressed as Alice in wonderland. I was going to hang out with some friends I have known for years. They weren’t to accepting of my new life I was trying to live as a Christian. I’m normally wiser and on guard. But they were pretty much family. My walls of trust were already down.

So here I was, Alice in wonderland wondering around this party. Drinking only lemonade. Soon enough this is the memory I lost. I got up and Looked down at my wrist. There was a white bracelet around my wrist. It took a bit for my eyes to adjust. I naturally freak out a bit. I look over at my mother who sat in the chair looking at me. Without words she hands me my phone. My co leader had text me noticing some photos from last night. My head was throbbing as it then rang. I was to embarrassed. I realised the girl in the pictures was not me. I hung my head almost in tears as I just took whatever was coming.

I had been drugged. But thank goodness my dignity was restored when I found out I still remained pure. Jesus watched over me and made sure I was safe. With the medication I was on the person that drugged me. Could’ve killed me. It could’ve, but it didn’t.yet on the same day a youth leader lost his life. Why wasn’t it me? A question I naturally asked.

Then weeks after my friend all so had lost his life along with his girlfriend in a car crash. Why was I still here? I didn’t deserve to be here. They were innocent, why them. But I’ll never know.

My therapist said I needed to journal. So here it is. Maybe some girl will learn from this mistake. Parties and the life of drinking is not the answer. Sure it seems amazing to dress up and get noticed and with drinking it all seems natural. But you don’t know that person. From someone who is recovering. It’s not worth going to that party. Although you will think… It won’t happen to me. I must ask, what makes you so special? What makes you the exception. Don’t make the same mistakes. Make different ones.